Space Academy

Calebxy · 1 Space Academy Thu Jan 10, 2013 11:38 am

Calebxy

Posts : 13
Join date : 2013-01-04

My sci-fi epic is nearing completion. Very Happy

I'm still on the penultimate chapter, entitled "Annihilation." I'm only three pages in so far, but here's a little bit of it for you to read:

"In the assembly hall, there was a huge skylight in the ceiling, directly above the stage in the centre. It had been repaired quickly after the attack on the school a while ago. But now, as Mr Bradley discovered, it had again been smashed by something. As he walked down the steps between the seats, he saw an object lying in the middle of the stage, surrounded by shards of glass. Once he got to the balcony of the auditorium, Michael leaned over to take a closer look."

Last edited by Calebxy on Fri Jan 11, 2013 4:38 am; edited 2 times in total

Maxxy · 2 Re: Space Academy Thu Jan 10, 2013 3:59 pm

Maxxy

Posts : 44
Join date : 2013-01-05
Age : 24

When I saw this in the new posts thing, I knew it would be space academy.

Calebxy · 3 Re: Space Academy Thu Jan 10, 2013 6:15 pm

Calebxy

Posts : 13
Join date : 2013-01-04

Maxxy wrote:When I saw this in the new posts thing, I knew it would be space academy.

Because it says that the title is Space Academy? Razz

Anyway, any comments on anything to do with the actual story?

laser314 · 4 Re: Space Academy Thu Jan 10, 2013 8:04 pm

laser314

Posts : 37
Join date : 2013-01-04

Calebxy wrote:My sci-fi epic is nearing completion. I'm still on the penultimate chapter, entitled "Annihilation." I'm only three pages in so far, but here's a little bit of it for you to read:

"In the assembly hall, there was huge skylight in the ceiling, directly above the stage in the centre. It had been repaired quickly after the attack on the school a while ago. But now, as Mr Bradley discovered, it had again been smashed by something. As he walked down the steps between the seats, he saw an object lying in the middle of the stage, surrounded by shards of glass. Once he got to the balcony of the auditorium, Michael leaned over to take a closer look."

Calebxy · 5 Re: Space Academy Fri Jan 11, 2013 4:38 am

Calebxy

Posts : 13
Join date : 2013-01-04

laser314 wrote:

Calebxy wrote:My sci-fi epic is nearing completion. I'm still on the penultimate chapter, entitled "Annihilation." I'm only three pages in so far, but here's a little bit of it for you to read:

"In the assembly hall, there was huge skylight in the ceiling, directly above the stage in the centre. It had been repaired quickly after the attack on the school a while ago. But now, as Mr Bradley discovered, it had again been smashed by something. As he walked down the steps between the seats, he saw an object lying in the middle of the stage, surrounded by shards of glass. Once he got to the balcony of the auditorium, Michael leaned over to take a closer look."

Well spotted! Razz

Thank you.

Maxxy · 6 Re: Space Academy Fri Jan 11, 2013 6:21 pm

Maxxy

Posts : 44
Join date : 2013-01-05
Age : 24

Calebxy wrote:

Maxxy wrote:When I saw this in the new posts thing, I knew it would be space academy.

Because it says that the title is Space Academy?

Anyway, any comments on anything to do with the actual story?

No, because you already know what I think of it.

TheTimeTraveler · 7 Re: Space Academy Thu Jan 17, 2013 5:58 pm

TheTimeTraveler

Admin

Posts : 91
Join date : 2013-01-04
Age : 24
Location : Brimerifrey

Can't wait til I can buy it Very Happy

LFoDCH · 8 Re: Space Academy Wed Jan 30, 2013 6:29 pm

LFoDCH

Posts : 4
Join date : 2013-01-13

Calebxy wrote:In the assembly hall, there was a huge skylight in the ceiling, directly above the stage in the centre. It had been repaired quickly after the attack on the school a while ago. But now, as Mr Bradley discovered, it had again been smashed by something. As he walked down the steps between the seats, he saw an object lying in the middle of the stage, surrounded by shards of glass. Once he got to the balcony of the auditorium, Michael leaned over to take a closer look.

If I can add my honest opinion, at first the whole passage felt awkward. It took a little bit to figure out exactly what was wrong, but I think it's the pacing between description and action. To fix this you could either set the scene first and then follow the character:

The assembly hall's large skylight had been broken again since the attack, the shards of glass scattered over the stage. As he walked down the isle, Mr. Bradley could see an object in the center of the stage. Leaning over the balcony, he tried to get a closer look.

or follow the character as he observes the scene around him:

Mr. Bradley could see the large skylight over the stage had been broken a second time. As he walked between the seats of the auditorium, he could see an object in the middle of the broken glass strewn about the stage. Approaching the balcony, he leaned over the edge to get a closer look.

As it stands right now, the excerpt sounds a bit like movie direction notes. You clearly have a vision as how you want the story to go, but you should work on delivery and letting the reader imagine as opposed to telling everything as a matter of fact.

Calebxy · 9 Re: Space Academy Fri Feb 22, 2013 5:22 am

Calebxy

Posts : 13
Join date : 2013-01-04

Thanks for the advice, and I have taken it into account, but I think it sounded a bit more awkward than it actually was because you're reading it out of context. But thanks. Smile

Anyway, I've now finished chapter 12, A Closer Look! Very Happy

I'm now onto the penultimate chapter, Annihilation! Very Happy

It's the climax, and hopefully it will be very exciting. Very Happy

Last edited by Calebxy on Wed Feb 27, 2013 4:46 am; edited 1 time in total

TheTimeTraveler · 10 Re: Space Academy Tue Feb 26, 2013 11:25 pm

TheTimeTraveler

Admin

Posts : 91
Join date : 2013-01-04
Age : 24
Location : Brimerifrey

*it's

(Sorry, sorry. Razz

)

Calebxy · 11 Re: Space Academy Wed Feb 27, 2013 4:46 am

Calebxy

Posts : 13
Join date : 2013-01-04

TheTimeTraveler wrote:*it's

(Sorry, sorry. )

You didn't see anything...

MBA · 12 Re: Space Academy Wed Feb 27, 2013 9:26 am

MBA

Posts : 27
Join date : 2013-01-05
Age : 24
Location : Philly

I guess I'm the only witness.

Calebxy · 13 Re: Space Academy Thu Mar 14, 2013 3:01 pm

Calebxy

Posts : 13
Join date : 2013-01-04

I've finally finished the climax of Space Academy!!! Very Happy

Turtleegg · 14 Re: Space Academy Thu Mar 14, 2013 5:44 pm

Turtleegg

Posts : 48
Join date : 2013-01-04
Age : 25
Location : Brimerifrey

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!! Very Happy

Calebxy · 15 Re: Space Academy Tue Mar 26, 2013 11:08 am

Calebxy

Posts : 13
Join date : 2013-01-04

And now I've finally finished the whole story!!!!!!! At very long last!!!!!! I've finished it!!!!! Very Happy

Turtleegg · 16 Re: Space Academy Tue Mar 26, 2013 6:22 pm

Turtleegg

Posts : 48
Join date : 2013-01-04
Age : 25
Location : Brimerifrey

AHMAGURD YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAY WOOHOOO YIPPIE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Very Happy

TheTimeTraveler · 17 Re: Space Academy Fri Mar 29, 2013 2:15 pm

TheTimeTraveler

Admin

Posts : 91
Join date : 2013-01-04
Age : 24
Location : Brimerifrey

*throws money at screen* TAKE IT! TAKE ALL OF IT! I WANT THE STORY!

Maxxy · 18 Re: Space Academy Sun Mar 31, 2013 9:48 am

Maxxy

Posts : 44
Join date : 2013-01-05
Age : 24

eh

Sponsored content

Space Academy

1 Space Academy Thu Jan 10, 2013 11:38 am

Calebxy

2 Re: Space Academy Thu Jan 10, 2013 3:59 pm

Maxxy

3 Re: Space Academy Thu Jan 10, 2013 6:15 pm

Calebxy

4 Re: Space Academy Thu Jan 10, 2013 8:04 pm

laser314

5 Re: Space Academy Fri Jan 11, 2013 4:38 am

Calebxy

6 Re: Space Academy Fri Jan 11, 2013 6:21 pm

Maxxy

7 Re: Space Academy Thu Jan 17, 2013 5:58 pm

TheTimeTraveler

8 Re: Space Academy Wed Jan 30, 2013 6:29 pm

LFoDCH

9 Re: Space Academy Fri Feb 22, 2013 5:22 am

Calebxy

10 Re: Space Academy Tue Feb 26, 2013 11:25 pm

TheTimeTraveler

11 Re: Space Academy Wed Feb 27, 2013 4:46 am

Calebxy

12 Re: Space Academy Wed Feb 27, 2013 9:26 am

MBA

13 Re: Space Academy Thu Mar 14, 2013 3:01 pm

Calebxy

14 Re: Space Academy Thu Mar 14, 2013 5:44 pm

Turtleegg

15 Re: Space Academy Tue Mar 26, 2013 11:08 am

Calebxy

16 Re: Space Academy Tue Mar 26, 2013 6:22 pm

Turtleegg

17 Re: Space Academy Fri Mar 29, 2013 2:15 pm

TheTimeTraveler

18 Re: Space Academy Sun Mar 31, 2013 9:48 am

Maxxy

19 Re: Space Academy

Sponsored content